The State of Things

I'm going to start with something I think we can all pretty much agree on and then branch out from there.

This is the United States of America.

Now when I mean this, I don't mean this blog, I don't even have a flag posted anywhere. But generally speaking, I'm there. You're probably there. This is the United States of America. And in the United States of America we practice a form of government known as, representative democaracy.

This is the United States of America, a representative democracy.

Representative as opposed to direct. Direct democracy meaning that citizens of the republic all directly vote on issues to decide what collective course of action they would take. In our busy lives, who has time for that? So we elect representatives to vote on our behalf a la councilmen, senators, members of the House.

This is the United States of America, where I am represented by someone!

Now we go about selecting these gentlemen and ladies through a process called voting. Every so often, we decide who it is that we'd like to represent our vote in Washington. Now...here's where I make my point. During the last string of congressional elections we elected a majority of Democrats to sit and represent us in the House of Representatives. We also elected a good deal of Democrats to represent us in the Senate as well, so much so that the Democratic party needed very little help from Republican Congressmen to pass the newly signed $787 billion stimulus package into law.

This is the United States of America, where a majority of my elected officials voted to pass a bill!

So when a few Republican Governors begin to talk about the idea of rejecting the stimulus funds bound for their states, you begin to wonder. Just where the hell am I anyway?

This is the United States of America? 

The Mostly Likely Ways To Die

Attacked by Hordes of the Jobless

If you're reading this (you are) and you have a job (you may), quit it now while you still have time. Rioting groups have a much greater tolerance for people that are just as pissed as they are. In January, over 600,000 people lost their jobs bringing the unemployment rate up to 7.6%, which is the highest rate in 16 years. It goes without saying, but I'll say it, this is bad.

In case you should encounter an unruly mob, here are some tips for survival.

1. Listen. Mobs shout. You want to know exactly what's got them in an uproar. If it's jobs, you don't have one either. If it's taxes, you hate them just as much as the next guy. And if it's you, well, you're probably just screwed at that point.
   
2. Be Prepared. Always have a torch, stick, rock, or plain white piece of posterboard (don't forget the Sharpie!) on your person.
3. Throw away your morals. People are willing to do in groups what they'd never dream of doing by themselves. The Japanese call it Karaoke. But if you're asked to kill a man to prove your undying allegiance to their false idol Vishna, better save the Monday Morning Quarterbacking for somebody who wants to be a dead man.

Michael Phelps Will Kill You

He's a genetic freak of nature. His diet consists of 40,000 calories daily, composed mostly of small children and fried egg sandwiches. That's what you call the "Breakfast of Physically Anomalous Horrorshows". He won 8 Gold Medals. It's widely known in the sports world that to rise to that echelon of success, every human characteristic of empathy and emotion must be carved away to make room for greater strength and endurance. And now, he's smoking pot.

He was dangerous enough as it stood before, and now his pot addled mind has lost all bearing on reality. If I had to guess, you'll be minding your own business one day when you see a typhoon rise in front of you, and riding on the crest of the wave will be Phelps, flanked by a thousands angels in tie-dye T-Shirts. At least, that's what he'll see. Pothead.

Zombies

Zombies are as real as you or I. There are few things I'm more certain of. What, you want proof?

Madonna.

There, I said it. But why are they dangerous? Well, zombies need living flesh to survive. That's something that you have. Plus, their zombie infection will spread to you once they have attacked. Alright, so that's the bad news, so what can you do to get away from these suckers? Zombies are generally slow, stupid creatures like the New York Knicks, which means it's easy to run away. Problem solved.

Why Barack Obama is more of a Conservative than John McCain (and why that's a good thing)

Joe the Plumber has risen to become an American icon faster than the Macarena and we can only hope the fall will be just as spectacular, but for many of us the interaction that sparked the phenomenon was lost in the web of quickly spun political rhetoric.

The actual conversation occurred in Holland, Ohio just outside Toledo (home to the world renown Rockin' Ron's Mobile DJ Service). And contrary to the sentiment from the McCain campaign, Barack Obama did not kick down the door of Joe Wurzelbacher (now Joe Plumber) and demonstrate his new tax plan by hanging him upside down, shaking him, and shouting, "It's called Socialism, bitches". No, instead the event was a little lower profile. Obama was making his way through a crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies, healing with his Christ like powers, when he was approached by Joe the Plumber, who I can only imagine was holding a plunger and wearing overalls. Let's see...

What!? What kind of plumber is this guy anyway?

A) No crack

B) No plunger

C) Did not start the conversation with, "Well see there's your problem right there..."

Aside from those obvious problems, this encounter is what you might call 'normal', especially for a political campaign. Joe asked Barack a question, and Barack answered his question. He didn't spew off talking points, he didn't jump in front of Greek columns and talk about the audacity of hope, he gave Joe a straight answer. Yes, your taxes may be higher, because I'm trying to help people who aren't financially where you are yet. I'm gonna try to save you money so you can grow your business, but I'm not sure if I can.

Afterwards the mind-numbing political spin descended on reality. All of the sudden, Joe became a battle cry for John McCain's campaign. McCain is fighting for the Joe Plumbers all over the US, and how dare Barack Obama invade his personal life and attack him all because he asked a simple question. Unfortunately that's not what happened and it's even more unfortunate that one of the most honest exchanges of this election season has been turned so incredibly ass-backwards.

However, I think there is something incredibly telling in that short conversation. Did you notice how instead of talking around the point, Barack told Mr. Plumber exactly what his tax policy set out to do? I'll paraphrase, he's doing this whole Robin Hood tax policy for the plumbers, and other working class Americans like Joe, that struggled for years to afford their own small business. Obama wants to put more money in the hands of those individuals so that they can save and reinvest in themselves to someday have a 250K+ business of their own. It is unfortunate that those making more, pay more in taxes to offset those tax cuts, but such is the nature of the beast.

Obama's tax policy puts money in the hands of working class Americans, that's where his faith in the American economy lies, and isn't that the heart of American conservatism? Faith in the individual over government? It just happens that Obama is using government as a facilitator to empower those individuals. It seems to me that the traditional conservative model of economics has not worked as advertised. When discussing 'spread the wealth' philosophies, conservatives are quick to point out that the top 5% income earners in America pay over half of all income tax, but scroll down in that article and you'll also discover the income gap between rich and poor in our country is one of the largest in the world. It's also important to realize that the top 1% of wealthy Americans control approximately 35% of the wealth, so the top 5% paying half of the income taxes may be seen more as a necessity rather than highway robbery.

My point is this: if we're going to talk about putting our faith in the American worker, the backbone of the economy, then why don't we give him a bit of a tax break and see what he does with the money. If he goes and blows it on Gobstoppers and comic books, then the rich can have it back. For now, I wanna see Obama pick Bill Gates up by the ankles and shake out my college loan payments!

Stra-tee-jary

As the presidential campaign season enters its final lap (Wow does it feel good to write that) I can't help but feel the McCain campaign is feeling a little confused. They've struggled throughout the season to obtain a clear branding of John McCain. Originally this race seemed to be about 'Experience vs. Youth'. You had McCain as the old Washington pro and war vet, who knew how to get the job done. When that didn't work it morphed into 'Work Ethic vs. Rhetoric', highlighting Obama's long-winded speeches and characterizing them as nothing but empty words. From there, the addition of Sarah Palin gave an added youthful boost to the ticket so the McCain campaign once again rebranded itself as 'Real Change vs. Change'.

Now the McCain camp hasn't been completely ineffective in its charge for identity. One word that has come up again and again to great success is Maverick. In an election year where the presidency was almost guaranteed to a Democrat, the Republicans nominated the man with the greatest chance of victory. McCain's storied independence from his own party has been one of the only continually effective strategies of his campaign. Recently however, the campaign made one too many rebrandings and may be in an identity crisis with less than a month from November 4th.

A recent series of attacks from the McCain camp has sought to question the leadership ability and judgement of Barack Obama. Questions about domestic terrorist Bill Ayers and radical associations with everyone from Black Liberation theologists to militant Islamic thinkers have been spread through various news reports, campaign rallies, and television advertisements. The charges repeatedly ask us, the American people, to question, "Who is the real Barack Obama?". The charge rests on the assumption that we don't really know much about the junior Senator from Illinois and that perhaps his past record shows he is unfit to be President. Now, there are two things that worry me about this latest rebranding from the McCain camp:

1) If we can assume that Barack Obama is, 'Paling around with terrorists' as Governor Palin has been quoted as saying, then why has the McCain campaign not brought this issue to the forefront sooner? It seems to me that if Barack Obama really were some sort of Manchurian Candidate or terrorist sleeper cell, someone probably would have brought it to our attention sooner.

2) Probably more importantly the latest round of charges are causing a lot of uproar within the Republican faithful, which would be great, if the McCain campaign even believed what they were saying.

You see the problem is when you say that Barack Obama is friends with terrorists and you point out repeatedly that he has a funny sounding middle name, you invite some pretty harsh comparisons. So when a woman at a recent McCain event stood up and told everyone that she didn't trust Barack Obama because 'He's an Arab' well you've sort of made your bed, now you have to sleep in it. To think that this close to the election you're going to successfully brand your opponent as a terrorist sympathizer, is like Angelina Jolie branding herself as a normal mother. I mean, she had a vile of Billy Bob Thorton's blood around her neck for a while. It took Angelina years to go from wacko to normal mother, so if you want to transform Obama into a terrorist, you're really going to need some time.

But the real problem is that they don't even believe what they're saying. Immediately after the woman at the McCain rally charged Obama as being an Arab, McCain took back the microphone and told the crowd, "No, ma'am. He's a decent, family man, a citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with (him) on fundamental issues and that's what this campaign is all about."

Here is a little last minute advice to the McCain campaign, if you want this election to be about fundamental disagreements, then talk about them. Don't talk about radical associations, talk about the economy, or the state of education, or the multiple wars we're involved in, or the future of energy in our country. But when you come out with advertisements questioning whether Obama thinks bombing the Pentagon is a good idea, you sort of look foolish. Tell us Obama's tax increase on wealthy Americans will stall the economy even more. Tell us that Obama's views on health care will actually make our system less efficient and more costly. But you're running out of time.

Just recently the Obama Campaign released a plan that aims to free up money for small businesses, including a provision that seeks to cut down on capital gains taxes, making Obama sound more pro-business than McCain. It could spell good news for small businesses investing in the economy, and with money on the mind of every American, that's bad news for the McCain campaign.

Signs of the Apocalypse #2

There has been a lot of crappy things going on lately and it's hard to keep up with each and every sign of impending doom, but in this post I'd like to comment on one signal that has been going on continuously and quietly for quite sometime. I'm referring to, of course the American Election season and the people who come out to celebrate it.

Quick: React to these words.

MAVERICK.

PORK-BARREL

HOPE

CHANGE

SCROTUM

Okay, so the last one was intended to trip you up, but if you've turned on your television as of late, you've probably gotten your fill of these words. In fact, if you're still alive after reading that list, you'd probably like to kill me, but have you been watching the American political process as of late? In the infancy of our country this all seemed so...romantic, I would say. Guys with powered wigs wearing stockings would stand around in awkward poses until they came up with revolutionary solutions to overwhelming problems.

We're not leaving till we think of a better name than the 'Suck It Declaration'

These guys were serious, just look at all of 'em. Legs crossed, one knee slightly bent, you just don't see posing like that anymore.

Seriously, is anyone going to even try?

But even worse than the loss of the stocking clad-bent knee gentlemen is the loss of the whole 'romanticism' of the American political process, and I'm afraid its a sign of oncoming apocalypse.

Maybe its because none of us were around back then (except of course John McCain) but the politics that gave birth to our nation seem to carry a certain mystique. Federalist papers, Constitutional conventions, Ben Franklin boozing in the back of Independence Hall, these moments are what we think of when we think of 'America', but now that vision has somewhat dissolved. We no longer envision crowds of wigged men rapping a diatribe of political philosophy from a tree stump, instead we have the campaign stump speech. 

It's a less than original alternative. You write it once and then refresh it depending on what town you're in that day. Bus stopped in Detroit? Get that specialty Red Wings jersey out. Plane just landed in Cincinnati? Be sure to mention how much you enjoyed the chili you had last night. Made a campaign stop in Rhode Island? What the hell are you doing in Rhode Island? It's the same gig no matter where you go.

But we're not focusing on the speeches in general. There is a specific part of the campaign speech that points more directly towards doom and that's the crowds surrounding each party. And we're not limiting this to Democrat or Republican, we're going to look at the stupidity on both sides that is, unfortunately, spreading.

Does anyone remember the coordinated 'booing' ever happening? I'm a young guy, so its possible there used to be pretty rowdy crowds when FDR would roll onto the stage, but in my recent memory I don't recall crowds being so...rehearsed. I first noticed it watching a Republican stump speech, but I'm afraid it has spread over into Democratic speeches as well. The crowds are getting so rowdy it had led to some Secret Service investigations into DEATH THREATS. Yes people, death threats. I think we all get annoyed around this time of the political season, but threatening to kill someone to end it all might be taking things a little too far.

Both of these campaigns seem to be inspiring a blind allegiance that's pretty scary. Obama has inspired a legion of largely young voters who seem frustrated with politics as usual. They see Barack as a 'change agent' and that's for good reason. Listen to the man speak. Feels good right? The guy could talk paint off a wall. The McCain campaign got a similar boost from Tina Fey look-alike, Sarah Palin. She's suited for politics like a lapel pin, but the blind allegiance these candidates inspire at these rallies isn't really helping anyone. What we need is the political discourse, the thought, the powdered wigs. We need the best possible solution right now, not a campaign stump speech, not a flashy or confident leader, and certainly not death threats...not yet at least.

Unfortunately given our political system I think all we're going to receive is more of the same, which is almost definitely a sign of the apocalypse.

Signs of the Apocalypse #1

There's a number after the title of this entry, and its not because it feels the need to gloat about how awesome it is. If this blog were at a sports game, it would not be holding a ridiculously over sized foam finger in the air. No, this #1 begins a series highlighting what I see as signs of an all but certain impending doom. 

We've all been hearing about the financial bailout, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, then you probably can't even read, so forgive us as the adults discuss this issue. Go and play with your toys.

The House of Representatives recently gave the first version of the $700 billion bailout bill a big thumbs down, but shortly thereafter, another slightly different version of the bill popped up and passed in the Senate. A keen observer might inquire as to the difference between these two bills, and you my friend have your finger on the Apocalypse.

The new bill is loaded with the now world-famous 'pork-barrel spending' which is not nearly as delicious as it sounds. You can read the whole thing here , you won't, I don't know why anyone would when you're going to get all you need to know right here. This blog is like a poetic Wal-Mart. 'Hello Sir, welcome to Mumblings and Grumblings. Have a pleasant day reading!'

I happen to love blue vests

In the bill you'll find countless amounts of money that has less to do with shoring up our current financial situation and more to do rum in Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, and yes, I'm serious. But what's really chilling is provision Sec. 317 which reads, "Seven-year cost recovery period for motorsports racing track facility." If that sounds suspicously unlike 'bailing out Goddamn Wall Street with your money because they're pricks ' that's because it is. This portion of the bill continues a tax break for autoracing facilities, giving them similar status as amusement parks or entertainment centers. Yes Senator Robert Schumer (D-NY) bravely proposed the bill protecting the NASCAR industry who've no doubt been feeling this economic crunch more than all of us since their sport does necessitate driving a gas guzzling race car around in a circle for hours on end. Its a shame that in these times of crisis more attention hasn't been given to the lowly racetrack owner, who without this provision would be forced to pay taxes on his property. The madness! What kind of country would we be without brave senators like Mr. Schumer?

Our economic system is quite possibly teetering on the edge of collapse, we've got hundreds of thousands of foreclosures possibly on the horizon, and we're going to make damn sure that NASCAR can continue to make profits without the burden of paying taxes. That sure seems like the Apocalypse is coming to me.

Dear American Taxpayer,

I know you're going through some rough times right now, and I can appreciate that, well really, I can't. But saying that does make me sound more sympathetic. Anyway, what I'm trying to get across is that I appreciate your willingness not only to float the bill for Wall Street, but also my tax bill too. Listen, I'll repay you the best I can. We've decided not only to remove certain safety regulations intended to prevent crashes, but indeed to take steps to make the sport really damn dangerous. Have you played miniature golf lately? Yea, imagine a huge freakin' windmill the cars have to drive by. Not impressed yet? How about you drive the cars...while they're on fire...away from dinosaurs. That's right dinosaurs, we've got 'em, we're using them, and we're not paying taxes.

Thanks,

NASCAR

P.S. Does anyone else think its ironic we advertise alcohol on moving vehicles? Everytime we see it its like, 'Whoa, seriously this has to be illegal guys'. Oh well, laterz.

Another Interlude

Despite some comments that could be categorized as 'bitchy', I'm going to continue this hiatus on my Top 5 list. Listen folks, creativity doesn't understand lists, or the status quo, or responsibility, or even what the hell Q-Tips are actually used for.

What creativity does recognize, Jill, is opportunity. And there is a great opportunity to comment on the new series of advertisements coming out from Microsoft, which have met an overwhelming response of, well, just refer to the Q-Tip picture again. In fact Microsoft's own press release nearly apologizes for the ad in its opening paragraphs.

Why the need for apologizing? That's a difficult question to answer. Put simply though, because the first in the series of ads doesn't make any sense at all. Let's take a look.

It opens with Jerry Seinfeld walking through a mall, eating a churro.PAUSE We're good so far, Jerry Seinfeld can walk and churros are delicious. Continuing on, Jerry stops when he sees Bill Gates shopping for shoes at a fictional discount shoe store named 'Shoe Circus'. PAUSE Bill Gates is a multi-billionaire and uses Doc Martens as shower sandals. From here Jerry takes over the job of the shoe salesman and begins to sell Bill on a particular pair of shoes named "El Conquistador". PAUSE Jerry Seinfeld, aside from the negative aspects of puffy shirts, is not known to give fashion advice. Plus 'Conquistador' is a stupid name for a shoe. From here Jerry and Bill discuss the shoe, its qualities, and general aspects of 'nothing'. PAUSE Seinfeld's exploits into talking about 'nothing' are well-documented. Gates' are too, but far less hilarious. The commercial ends with Jerry asking Bill if he plans on using his huge brain to make computers more like delicious cake. Gates responds by picking his wedgie. PAUSE The cake is a lie.

And that's it. The Windows logo flashes on screen, with the comment 'Delicious'. When you boil down the commercial to its actual content, and we're talking real boiling here folks, you're left with the last 15 seconds or so where Seinfeld is asking Gates about the future of personal computing. After the disasterous results of Windows Vista, the over the top introduction of Microsoft's Surface, and the somehow survivable collapse of the XBOX 360, Microsoft answers back with a resounding, "Ehhhh, we're working on it.."