Signs of the Apocalypse #1

There's a number after the title of this entry, and its not because it feels the need to gloat about how awesome it is. If this blog were at a sports game, it would not be holding a ridiculously over sized foam finger in the air. No, this #1 begins a series highlighting what I see as signs of an all but certain impending doom. 

We've all been hearing about the financial bailout, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, then you probably can't even read, so forgive us as the adults discuss this issue. Go and play with your toys.

The House of Representatives recently gave the first version of the $700 billion bailout bill a big thumbs down, but shortly thereafter, another slightly different version of the bill popped up and passed in the Senate. A keen observer might inquire as to the difference between these two bills, and you my friend have your finger on the Apocalypse.

The new bill is loaded with the now world-famous 'pork-barrel spending' which is not nearly as delicious as it sounds. You can read the whole thing here , you won't, I don't know why anyone would when you're going to get all you need to know right here. This blog is like a poetic Wal-Mart. 'Hello Sir, welcome to Mumblings and Grumblings. Have a pleasant day reading!'

I happen to love blue vests

In the bill you'll find countless amounts of money that has less to do with shoring up our current financial situation and more to do rum in Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, and yes, I'm serious. But what's really chilling is provision Sec. 317 which reads, "Seven-year cost recovery period for motorsports racing track facility." If that sounds suspicously unlike 'bailing out Goddamn Wall Street with your money because they're pricks ' that's because it is. This portion of the bill continues a tax break for autoracing facilities, giving them similar status as amusement parks or entertainment centers. Yes Senator Robert Schumer (D-NY) bravely proposed the bill protecting the NASCAR industry who've no doubt been feeling this economic crunch more than all of us since their sport does necessitate driving a gas guzzling race car around in a circle for hours on end. Its a shame that in these times of crisis more attention hasn't been given to the lowly racetrack owner, who without this provision would be forced to pay taxes on his property. The madness! What kind of country would we be without brave senators like Mr. Schumer?

Our economic system is quite possibly teetering on the edge of collapse, we've got hundreds of thousands of foreclosures possibly on the horizon, and we're going to make damn sure that NASCAR can continue to make profits without the burden of paying taxes. That sure seems like the Apocalypse is coming to me.

Dear American Taxpayer,

I know you're going through some rough times right now, and I can appreciate that, well really, I can't. But saying that does make me sound more sympathetic. Anyway, what I'm trying to get across is that I appreciate your willingness not only to float the bill for Wall Street, but also my tax bill too. Listen, I'll repay you the best I can. We've decided not only to remove certain safety regulations intended to prevent crashes, but indeed to take steps to make the sport really damn dangerous. Have you played miniature golf lately? Yea, imagine a huge freakin' windmill the cars have to drive by. Not impressed yet? How about you drive the cars...while they're on fire...away from dinosaurs. That's right dinosaurs, we've got 'em, we're using them, and we're not paying taxes.

Thanks,

NASCAR

P.S. Does anyone else think its ironic we advertise alcohol on moving vehicles? Everytime we see it its like, 'Whoa, seriously this has to be illegal guys'. Oh well, laterz.