The Mostly Likely Ways To Die

Attacked by Hordes of the Jobless

If you're reading this (you are) and you have a job (you may), quit it now while you still have time. Rioting groups have a much greater tolerance for people that are just as pissed as they are. In January, over 600,000 people lost their jobs bringing the unemployment rate up to 7.6%, which is the highest rate in 16 years. It goes without saying, but I'll say it, this is bad.

In case you should encounter an unruly mob, here are some tips for survival.

1. Listen. Mobs shout. You want to know exactly what's got them in an uproar. If it's jobs, you don't have one either. If it's taxes, you hate them just as much as the next guy. And if it's you, well, you're probably just screwed at that point.
   
2. Be Prepared. Always have a torch, stick, rock, or plain white piece of posterboard (don't forget the Sharpie!) on your person.
3. Throw away your morals. People are willing to do in groups what they'd never dream of doing by themselves. The Japanese call it Karaoke. But if you're asked to kill a man to prove your undying allegiance to their false idol Vishna, better save the Monday Morning Quarterbacking for somebody who wants to be a dead man.

Michael Phelps Will Kill You

He's a genetic freak of nature. His diet consists of 40,000 calories daily, composed mostly of small children and fried egg sandwiches. That's what you call the "Breakfast of Physically Anomalous Horrorshows". He won 8 Gold Medals. It's widely known in the sports world that to rise to that echelon of success, every human characteristic of empathy and emotion must be carved away to make room for greater strength and endurance. And now, he's smoking pot.

He was dangerous enough as it stood before, and now his pot addled mind has lost all bearing on reality. If I had to guess, you'll be minding your own business one day when you see a typhoon rise in front of you, and riding on the crest of the wave will be Phelps, flanked by a thousands angels in tie-dye T-Shirts. At least, that's what he'll see. Pothead.

Zombies

Zombies are as real as you or I. There are few things I'm more certain of. What, you want proof?

Madonna.

There, I said it. But why are they dangerous? Well, zombies need living flesh to survive. That's something that you have. Plus, their zombie infection will spread to you once they have attacked. Alright, so that's the bad news, so what can you do to get away from these suckers? Zombies are generally slow, stupid creatures like the New York Knicks, which means it's easy to run away. Problem solved.