#4 -The News Cycle, actually...forget it, this is already old news.

Remember the good ole' days?

You know black and white TV, the news anchor sitting behind his desk puffing away at a cigarette? Informing the public on the day's events and unknowingly helping to bring that whole cancer thing into the news later on.

The correct answer is, "No". If you're like me then you didn't even watch the news when you were a kid. That's because you were too busy picking out just which disaster you wanted to unleash on your newly created Sim City metropolis.

(Pssshhhhh.....BOOM!)

But then I grew up, and to avoid being chastized as an adult, I keep my Sim City adventures under wraps. As a part of my cover-up I began watching the news (admitedly a very adult thing to do) and I've been getting more pissed off ever since.

It started out innocently. I knew the news as oddly attractive and well-manicured white men talking to me with floating pictures by their perfectly groomed hair (I'm not gay). Occasionally I'd noticed a bunch of papers stacked up in my kitchen, and from what I've heard they have something to do with news as well. And then everything started to change. All of the sudden none of that shit was good enough anymore. The market began to flood with more attractive men and women delivering the news. And then, like that kid you knew in elementary school who was in every school play, these people demanded to be on TV EVERY DAMN SECOND. And then in 1980, Ted Turner screwed every human being in America, and no I'm not talking about reruns of Law and Order.

What I am talking about is the launching of the first 24 hour cable news network, CNN. And for a long time CNN was the Yankees of TV news. That's where the baseball analogy ends because honestly, there aren't enough teams to cover the numerous media outlets that exist today. Perhaps none of them as well known as the current ratings leader, cable news giant Fox News. If CNN was the Yankees, then Fox News is definitely Pete Rose.

(Fair and balanced...and a humongous jerk.)

Aside from being really damn annoying, what is all this news doing to our American psyche? Well imagine if I took your brain out of your skull, threw it in the garbage, and replaced it with a miniature Tila Tequila. Yeah, its that bad. The competition between these networks, all jockeying for your ever decreasing viewership, brings about steadily more outrageous strategies to drive in ratings. In addition, since we're broadcasting so much more now, we're in need of new content. And when nothing is going on, they have to make shit up. All kinds of ridiculous material, that is, in fact, completely untrue.

Oh, and if you actually read that article labeled as 'ridiculous'....here. That should correct some of the 'facts' in that piece.

So why is this going to effect you? Well, it seems that our media environment is only getting worse. In fact there are theories regarding what role this new media environment plays in American politics. Imagine E!, Extra, Access Hollywood, and TMZ somehow have sex with traditional hard news, their child is what awaits us. To gather your attention, and thereby your attention to advertisers, news networks come up with anything so long as its new and interesting. Did you notice how true wasn't one of those qualifiers? And if you think these situations are isolated to a few outlandish broadcasters, I'm afraid that just isn't the case. Remember the whole Dan Rather/ George W. Bush national guard service fiasco?

If you think its hard making an informed decision now, just wait, its only getting worse. And if you really don't even care about making an informed decision, well you're still going to miss out on more TV shows as they interupt your regularly scheduled broadcast with political updates. Sucks to be you.

The Top 5 Reasons Why No Matter Who The Next President Is, Things Will Still Suck

We've been hearing about the upcoming Presidential election since, well, the last one ended, and a lot has been said about the impact the new Commander-In-Chief will have on the rest of us. Well here's the first installment of the Top 5 reasons that no matter who comes out on top, your life is probably still going to blow.

5) THE NATIONAL DEBT

Visit the U.S. National Debt Clock

If you clicked on that link, then you saw that outrageously huge dollar amount. An amount typically reserved for...well, nothing except the National Debt. Why does it suck? Well that's a complicated answer, so allow me to dangerously simplify the issue.

Currently our debt isn't that big of a deal, in fact many countries have a significant amount of debt. Go ahead...google it. Generally though, the problem is that debt costs you money. Remember your credit card bill? There you go. The idea is we're paying interest on our money, which means we have to pay more money, which is why you should have actually been going to class in college and not what you were doing.

(What you were doing)

So the question is, how will our upcoming presidential choice impact the situation? Here's the breakdown.

Democrats spend money, Republicans don't. This logic has remained a universal law since time began and is as safe a bet in life as death, taxes, and the awkward stage right around 7th grade. But over the last 8 years of a Republican administration the national debt has increased by over 4 trillion dollars. Yeah, did you get that? The party that seeks to cut government spending nearly doubled our national debt in eight years. What news could possibly make this worse? Well when asked how he planned to balance the budget in office, presumptive Republican nominee John McCain cited the policies of the actor turned politcian Ronald Reagan.

(Ronald Reagan today)

What he doesn't mention is that the deficit actually tripled during the Reagan presidency.

I should mention that while the deficit (spending>income) increased during the Reagan years, our Gross National Product also increased, thereby sort of making that okay. Its like you went on a shopping spree at Best Buy and bought every season of The Simpsons, Law and Order, and Friends ever made, but at the same time started selling your body on the street, adding a new (let's hope high) income to your wallet. Just imagine those DVDs are nuclear submarines and American flags.

On the other side of the ticket, Barack Obama's plan for increased spending on infrastructure and social programs will no doubt cost the federal government more money than Congress typically spends on hookers, and that's no small feat. But Obama hasn't been bashful about raising taxes to pay for his plan, chances are though if you're reading this blog, your taxes will be just fine. You don't pay property taxes on your parents' basement. Its worth noting however that studies of each candidates budget proposals should add anywhere from $3-$4.5 trillion to the national debt, a troubling thought when our economy seems perilously close to recession.

So you're in debt, big deal. We're just getting warmed up. For more of a reminder of why your life is going to continually suck, be sure to read the next installment.

The Socialists Are Coming

Recently in my travels around the city I came across a political poster, seen here. Among the campaign promises present on the poster (Wow...the alliteration there!) there is a checkmark next to a gigantimongous, bright red SOCIALISM. Americans have a history of not responding well to the idea of shared wealth and, more importantly, iconic symbols emblazoned in red, which makes me wonder why the makers of this poster (you can read more about them here) believed it would be effective.

Despite our current systems of economy and government being less than perfect, it still seems we've got it 'going on' in the traditional sense a little more than our socialist/communist comrades. In fact, SPOLIER ALERT: We won the Cold War, and thereby the fight of capitalism vs. communism, mostly because communism runs a country into the ground. My admission of this will no doubt catch some of you by surprise, but it's time to give credit where credit is due.

But I digress, there's more at work here than just socialism, there is another, I dare say more ridiculous claim made here. The poster promises to do away with, 'racist police brutality'. Ignoring the obvious support for normal police brutaility, I struggle to figure out how they intend to fight the racist kind. 

They could start by adding a section to the NYPD exam,

ARE YOU A RACIST?

CHECK       

YES     NO      MAYBE      

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT WHEN I'M THE ONLY GUY ON THE SUBWAY WHO CAN SPEAK ENGLISH

..but that effort could be beaten by a cop who simply chooses the correct box to check. No, what we need is something better, we need a cop that doesn't see race, that doesn't see hate, it only sees....justice.

The only fear now is that we'll have to protect our windows from senseless punctuations at the end of cheesy lines of dialogue.

God help us.